Hello and welcome! Today I have an amazing visitor. I have so many questions that I’ve had to edit and cut down on them in order to make this interview short enough. I hope you will enjoy my interview today with a very unusual vampire.
Interviewer: Good Day to you, sir.
Interviewer: (fools with the mike as a nervous reaction then clears throat) So, why not start by telling us how you became a vampire.
Vampire: It’s boring.
Interviewer: Okay. Why not tell us anyway?
Vampire: I got sick then woke up a vampire.
Interviewer: That’s it? No crawling out of a crept somewhere to discover you were now in the 21st century?
Vampire: I told you it was boring.
Interviewer: (thinking this interview was getting boring already) Okay then. So tell us what you did after you figured out you were a vampire.
Vampire: I did my usual routine.
Interviewer: (getting impatient) You don’t talk much do you?
Vampire: (eyes start gleaming)
Interviewer: (feeling a bit afraid, changes the subject) Well, it must have been very unsettling for you to discover you were a vampire. And I think that’s a very strange way to become one.
Vampire: Are you paid to think here or to talk?
Interviewer: (moving on) Most people have one question that interests them greatly about vampires so I will ask it. Do you sparkle?
Vampire (smiles, showing his vampire teeth) Do you want me to?
Interviewer: (Not sure he does, stays silent)
Vampire: (finally speaks) You are keeping me awake you know. I usually sleep during the day.
Interviewer: (stays silent, not knowing what to ask next)
Vampire: (not liking the silent approach, twists uncomfortably in seat) Okay. No, I don’t sparkle. No, I was not upset when I discovered finally that I was a vampire. In fact, I am the most ordinary vampire that you will ever meet. I do not cringe from the sunlight as it has little affect on me. I can sleep day or night, but prefer the day as I like to make love at night with my Lady.
Interviewer: (amazed at the outburst of vocalism remains quiet, hoping to hear more)
Vampire: I have saved many, almost died a few times and I have many adventures. And If you wish to read about them, or some of them, read my autobiography. It’s called The Vampire and the Lady. Now, if you have no more questions, I will leave.
Interviewer: (realizing that this interview was the worst ever attempted, watched as the vampire rose and disappeared in a puff of smoke) Wherever you are, thanks for the interview. I can’t say that it was great or that I enjoyed it, but it was different.
(Suddenly, a large bat winged into the room out of nowhere. It perched on top of the interviewer’s head and shit, letting the interviewer know in no uncertain terms that he had not enjoyed the interview either.)
Interviewer: (wiping his head with a tissue, picks up the mike and says, “I think I’m going to read The Vampire and the Lady now.”